The TOP ALE ATE SHOES OF WHIP In the Winter
by Angel-son of Caesar
Summary: The Tirade of Padfoot About Lily Evans and the Effects She Has on Every Single Old Friend Who Has Ice-Cold Prongs In the Winter. One-shot, in four parts. JamesLily. Now with an epilogue.
1. The Tirade

**The TOP ALE ATE SHOES OF WHIP In the Winter**

The Tirade Of Padfoot About Lily Evans And The Effect She Has On Every Single Old Friend Whose Has Ice-Cold Prongs In the Winter

Not to be confused with "The Ginger Ale Ate Shoes of Whip in the Winter"

**Disclaimer: No pueda hacer nada en esta historia.**

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One day, a long time ago, a boy named James Potter was hanging out with a couple of his best friends.

Sirius Black, Lily Evans, and the aforementioned James Potter were all just talking and laughing.

Then, Lily said she had some homework to do, and she left.

Sirius noticed James staring after her with longing and love in his eyes.

Then, suddenly, Sirius was angry.

Sirius was pissed at James and pissed at Lily.

He started talking.

"Oi! Prongs!"

James started and looked at him.

"Sorry, what?"

"Prongs, you have to get over that girl! She's not good for you!"

James rolled his eyes.

"Pads, you've been telling me that for years, what makes you think I'll give up now?"

"Because, now, you have absolutely no chance with her!"

"What d'you mean? We're friends now, we hang out more than ever, she doesn't hate my guts anymore-"

"Exactly! You're in the FRIEND zone! You can't get out of the friend zone! Even worse, you're BEST friends with her!"

"So?"

"So? SO? So Lily Evans is the WORST best friend a guy, and ESPECIALLY a guy like you, could ever have!"

"How exactly did you come to that conclusion, Padfoot?"

Sirius sighed heavily.

"Look, James. You're best friends with her. And that's all she'll ever let you two be! Best friends! Friends forever! Don't you get it, James? Lily is the worst best friend you could have!"

"I still don't get it. What makes her so bad?"

"Prongs, please, try to understand! Lily's smart and funny and nice and caring and, quite frankly, smokin' hot-"

"Pads! Not helping!"

"-I mean, really, look at those legs! So, honestly, I can see why you'd be in love with her. But, honestly, James, you can't be. Being best friends only makes it worse."

"This way of explanation isn't working, Pad."

Sirius rubbed his temples. "Okay...let's try something else. Alright, you be you and I'll be Lily, okay? Just sit back, relax-"

"I don't like where this is going," said James warily.

"-and try to listen to what I'm saying. Okay, here we go."

Sirius took a deep breath.

"Hi James!" began Sirius in a high, cheery voice that he thought resembled Lily's. "I was just wondering when you-"

"Padfoot," interrupted James, "the voice _really_ doesn't sound like Lily's, and it's getting _really_ distracting."

Sirius rolled his eyes and continued in his normal voice.

"...wondering when you thought the next Hogsmeade weekend should be, blah blah blah, Heads' duties, blah blah blah, boring stuff, blah blah bl-"

"Get to the point, Sirius."

"What's that, James? You want to go out with me? (she blushes prettily, bites her lip, and looks at her toes) Well, the thing is, I don't want to. I know you're not an arrogant toerag anymore-"

"Padfoot," warned James.

"-and I'm really glad we're friends, it's just that...well, that's it, really. We're such great friends, and I don't really feel that way about you. Actually, I do, but I won't admit it, and I won't go out with you because we have such a great friendship and I wouldn't risk that for anything! You're my best friend, and that's why we can't have this relationship."

"Still don't get it, Pads."

"I mean, even though you help me get through everything that's hard in my life and let me cry into your shoulder and do all the lovely caring things a boyfriend would do to his girlfriend, it won't work. Really, I think you'd be a wonderful, not to mention super-hot (to Lily, not to me personally) boyfriend, just to another girl. Because, you know, I, like many girls, always complain about how there aren't enough nice guys out there after dating some jerk, but, of course, I won't date you! You're such a nice guy, and you deserve everything the world can offer, but, James, I'm sorry, I just can't be with you! You'd be a perfect boyfriend...but just to someone else."

"Padfoot, this is not helping me understand, just making me feel bad."

"Plus, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I mean, ew, I couldn't even look you in the eye after that, wow, that would be soo weird. Of course, from what all the other girls in this school say, you'd probably be amazing in bed, but, still, it would be so awkward after having the best sex of my life, because you're my best friend. Seriously, afterwards, what? In the morning, after the passion dies down and I realize what a big mistake that was, I'd avoid you for weeks. Or maybe we'd keep doing it and it would become so casual we'd just discuss all our Heads' matters while shagging on the couch in the Heads' common room-"

"Sirius. Let's move on."

"Right. And, I mean, James, you're such a great guy, you do such wonderful things for me, and you have such _remarkable self-control_, I mean, honestly! All those times I've gotten drunk with you and the Marauders and all you did was put me to bed and hold my hair when I threw up in the morning and give me coffee and make me feel better when you could've been taking Sirius' advice and having some hot drunken sex with me-"

"Sirius. That was basically just a quick recap of what you've already said. Is that everything you wanted to tell me? I have better stuff to do." ("Like what, Lily?"whispered Sirius). James stood up.

"Wait, wait, James, it's almost over!"

James sighed and sat back down.

"But don't worry, James. You can count on me to be totally unpredictable. I will always be there for you, as a friend, not as what you really want me to be and I really want me to be. I'll always be your best friend. I will be there to reject you and break your heart and tell you to find yourself a nice girl who deserves you, a nice guy, as her boyfriend. And when you do, you can always count on me to be suddenly flirty and affectionate and super-attentive to you, until that nice girl you found dumps you no matter how hard you try to convince her there's nothing going on between us. And we'll both be really sad about it, except for you, you might be a little relieved, and me, because she was ALL wrong for you, not that I was jealous or anything. I wouldn't be jealous. Because you and I, we're just friends. That's all we are.

"Best friends. Friends forever."

"Pads, are you absolutely sure you weren't actually being you and not Lily that whole time?"

"Damnit, James, this isn't a bloody joke! I'm being dead serious here, mate (don't you laugh at "dead serious!"), I really care about you and this girl isn't right for you! You need to move on!"

"Relax, Pads, Lily's not like that."

"Oh, really?" Sirius cocked an eyebrow.

"Yeah, really! She's nothing like that!"

"Are you sure?"

"Positive! Positive like a proton, or the number 1376!"

Sirius smiled mischievously.

"Okay, well, then, if you're so sure, why don't we give Lily a little test?"

It was James who cocked an eyebrow this time.

"What sort of test?"

"I'm going to prove that everything I just said about Lily was true."

James snorted.

"What, think I can't do it?"

"No, I don't think you can."

"Well, fine, then, your challenge is accepted!"

"What? I didn't challenge you! I didn't mean-"

"Oh, look, here comes our dear Lily pad now!"

Sure enough, Lily was returning to the two boys. James gulped and paled a little.

"Sirius, don't do this! I never meant to-" James pleaded.

"Relax, Prongsie, I won't embarrass you, or her. In fact, she won't even realize she's being tested," replied Sirius coolly.

"Sirius, you have to listen to me! Don't be like this, mate, I didn't challenge you!" James was becoming really nervous.

"Yes, you did, and it's too late now to stop me."

"Sirius, please don't-hi, Lily!" James greeted the red head with false cheeriness.

Lily frowned at the two of them.

"What are you two up to?"

Sirius grinned evilly. James' eyes widened.

"Well, James here would like to know if you'd accompany him to Hogsmeade next weekend."


	2. The First Test

**The TOP ALE ATE SHOES OF WHIP In the Winter**

Hey, people.

I hope you liked this.

Please review!

Anyway, I really wanted to write another chapter.

So please, read, enjoy, and review!

**Disclaimer: Je ne parle pas français. Pero yo hablo inglés y español. So, I own nothing.**

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_Previously, on this fanfic:_

_Lily frowned at the two of them._

_"What are you two up to?"_

_Sirius grinned evilly. James' eyes widened._

_"Well, James here would like to know if you'd accompany him to Hogsmeade next weekend."_

Lily's eyes widened slightly in shock and disbelief, and she turned to James for confirmation.

James' ears reddened and his hand rose to his hair. A lopsided smile appeared on his face.

"Erm...all right, Evans?" He queried lamely, shrugging.

Sirius was trying _very_ hard not to laugh.

Lily blushed (quite prettily, to James' dismay and Sirius' delight), bit her bottom lip, and looked downwards, at the ground.

Well, actually, to be more accurate, she studied her toes with great interest for a few seconds before answering.

"Er...well, James...well, the thing is...I don't think we should."

James and Sirius looked slightly disappointed, though for vastly different reasons.

_"Damn, maybe Sirius was right!"_ thought James.

_"Damn, she didn't say what I said she would say!"_ thought Sirius.

"Oh, no, James, not for the reasons you think!" Lily amended hurriedly. "No, I know you're not an arrogant toerag anymore, and I'm really glad we're friends-"

James made a strangled noise in his throat, and Sirius fell subject to a violent fit of coughing, which may or may not have been hiding his laughter.

"-it's just that," Lily continued without showing that she took notice of either of the boys' noises, "well, that's it, really. We're such great friends, and I don't really feel that way about you."

There was no disguising Sirius' triumphant smirk at these words, and James shot him a quick glare. But Lily carried on, oblivious.

"You see, James, we have such a great friendship now, and I wouldn't risk that friendship for anything. You're my best friend, and that's why we can't have this relationship."

Lily took a deep breath and chuckled a little before continuing.

"I mean, even though you help me get through everything that's hard in my life and let me cry into your shoulder and do all the lovely caring things a boyfriend would do to his girlfriend, it won't work. You're such a nice guy, and you deserve everything the world can offer, but, James, I'm sorry, I just can't be with you! You'd be a perfect boyfriend...but just to someone else."

James stared.

"Oh...okay, then," he said. "You just...you just don't feel that way about me, I underst-"

"No, James, you don't! You don't understand, you can't understand! You're far too dense to understand on your own, and who would tell you? Sirius?"

James started at the irony, and Sirius' smirk grew even wider for a second, before he recognized the insult for what it was.

"Hey!" he started to complain, but was ignored by both James and Lily.

"The thing is, James," Lily began, looking back into his face for the first time since she was indirectly asked out, "I _do_ fancy you. A lot. (The jaws of James and Sirius both dropped in utter shock at this admission) And I know you're not who I used to think you were, and you're really a nice, smart guy who probably deserves a break after a six-year chase-"

"You think?" James interrupted quickly.

"-but I also know how determined you are. And I love that you're so nice to me, and that you do all the things a boyfriend would do for his girlfriend, and that you never take advantage of me, but...I just can't believe that you actually love me. And...I just can't let myself get hurt."

After several long moments, James broke the silence.

"So, that's it, then?" he asked quietly, in a defeated sort of tone. "You won't even give me a _chance_, because you're afraid to get hurt."

"I'm so sorry, James," Lily whispered, and there were tears beginning to form in her eyes.

James softened a little, and his voice lightened considerably and his eyes twinkled with mirth as he said, "Naturally, that makes it all better. Oh, it's all right, Lily pad, I don't mind. Well, not that much, anyway." And with that, he wrapped his arms around her protectively.

They stayed like that, together, for a minute or two, before Sirius loudly cleared his throat, when they started and broke apart.

"I really am sorry, James."

"Lily, it's all right. Maybe it _is_ time for me to move on." James let out a huge breath. "I'm tired of trying to convince you that I love you. I'm tired of trying to get a date with you. Perhaps, after six years, it's time to throw in the towel. A man needs his rest."

"I think you're right. I think you-we-need to move on. We can do it. You need to go find yourself a nice girl, who will appreciate what you do and who you are even more that I appreciate those things. You're a great guy, James, and you deserve a great girl, too. And don't worry about me. Time heals all wounds...(_"Then why won't you go out with me?"_ thought James) I will be okay. And, I will always be there for you. Perhaps not as what you want me to be, and what even I want myself to be, but I will be there as your friend. Because that's what we are. Best friends. Friends forever."

"You really think I should give up? Now? When even you admit that you fancy me?"

"Yes, James. Go, be free, and be happy. Get yourself a date with a nice girl, like Mary, or Elizabeth. Get married, have children with bad sight and black hair. Forget about me-"

"I could never forget about you, Lily Flower," James smiled.

Lily ignored him.

"Do it. Forget about me. Be happy. Don't let me stop you from living out your life. F-f-fall-" Lily wavered for a second, "fall in love. No, don't interrupt. Fall in love, for real, with a girl who can love you back." Lily dropped her voice. "Be brave, James. Be brave."

"And you, as well, my dear Lily," James whispered back.

Lily smiled; a small, ironic, bittersweet smile. "I will, darling. I will."

James smiled back and cleared his throat. His voice resumed its normal volume.

"So, Elizabeth, you think so? Really?"

"Certainly. She's smart and funny and sweet and caring and nice and everything you could ever want-"

"I dunno, Lily, she's not you," Sirius kindly pointed out.

"Not helping, Sirius," said both Lily and James.

"Well, I never!" gasped Sirius. "Try to compliment a girl and all you get is, 'Not helping, Sirius!' Honestly!" he muttered to himself.

"Elizabeth. Huh. I never really thought of her in a dateable way, y'know?"

"Still, though, you should give it a shot."

"Maybe I will."

"Good. Good for you. And who do you think I should try to-yeah, you and Elizabeth would look _great_ together," Lily hastily changed her sentence upon catching sight of the muscle jumping in James' jaw.

"Hey, Pads," called James to Sirius, "Lily says I look great!"

"I did not!" protested Lily, with a smile on her face. "I merely suggested that a good majority of people would think that you and...what? What is it, James?"

For he had stopped smiling and was gazing at Sirius with a very puzzled look on his face.

Lily turned to Sirius and found that he was staring very hard at something in front of him, over James' shoulder. It seemed he had zoned out, and had not, in fact, heard James' call and Lily's protest.

"Speak of the devil...and he shall appear," muttered Sirius to himself. Then, slowly, he grinned a very broad and very evil grin.

Lily and James spun around, and, sure enough, Elizabeth was making her way over to the trio.

"Hey, James," she began seductively. Well, sort of seductively. It didn't really work, though.

"Err...hi," James replied. Sirius' hand met his forehead in a trademark Remus Lupin face-palm.

Elizabeth glanced at Sirius momentarily, then looked at Lily. Her eyes lingered upon the other girls' for a moment, then flew back to meet James'.

"Well, James, as I was saying," Elizabeth continued,

"I just wanted to know if you'd like to accompany me to Hogsmeade next weekend."


	3. The Second Test

**The TOP ALE ATE SHOES OF WHIP In the Winter**

You know what's weird? The word count FFN gave me for the first chapter is exactly one more than the word count it gave me for the second one...

I'm sure it happens often, given the amount of stories written, but it's a new thing for me.

Anyway, would it be too much to ask for a review? I'd just like to know if this is any good, and what your favorite part was. Please?

Enjoy.

**Disclaimer: Let's play that one game, with the two truths and a lie? Okay, I'll go first. I don't own this story. I have a pet hippopotamus. I am Batman. (The lie was...I don't have any pets.)**

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_Previously, on this fanfic:_

_Elizabeth glanced at Sirius momentarily, then looked at Lily. Her eyes lingered upon the other girls' for a moment, then flew back to meet James'._

_"Well, James, as I was saying," Elizabeth continued,_

_"I just wanted to know if you'd like to accompany me to Hogsmeade next weekend."_

To say that James and Sirius were shocked would have been a drastic understatement.

Their shock was so immense, that if it had been a tangible substance, like iron or water, and then they took it and froze it and made a brick out of it, it would have been _huge_. And it would be a very dense substance. Like, 13.9 times the density of water. So, yeah. _HUGE_. Like, bigger than huge. 'What's bigger than huge?' I hear you cry. _This_ is. This is bigger than huge.

So, yeah, lot's of shock.

But, now, Lily's amount of shock...well, that was something else.

Sirius was the first to recover, and many courses of action flashed through his mind before he settled on, obviously, the most brilliant and logical one.

He cleared his throat very loudly.

James and Lily started.

Well, James started.

Lily jumped about a foot in the air.

Elizabeth started because Lily jumped.

Then Sirius started because he felt a bit left out.

James realized Elizabeth was still waiting for an answer. Determinedly looking at Elizabeth instead of Lily, he began to reply.

"Well, you see, Elizabeth...I...well, I think I'd like-"

As he began talking, Lily realized what he was about to say. He was going to say yes. He was going to go out with another girl. He was going to go out with Elizabeth. Forget that she'd just called Elizabeth nice and all those good things, like smart and pretty. Elizabeth deserved a Lily Evans Death Glare (patent pending). But not yet. Because James was about to say yes.

That had to be stopped.

Lily did the first thing that came to mind.

She grabbed James' arm.

"...I'd like-" James looked at the hand on his arm. Upon closer inspection, he discovered that, connected to the wrist of that hand, there was another arm. At the end of that arm, he saw the rest of Lily's body. She was smiling at him, and there was an insane look in her eyes.

"But, James," she said, erm...what's the word? Well, there isn't really an appropriate adjective that can describe the exact tone of voice and emphasis with which she said it...but the closest description would probably be to say that she said it like a slut.

"We didn't have that date set yet, James," Lily continued, like a slut. "We were going to discuss whether that would be this weekend or next weekend at the next Heads..._meeting_." She placed special emphasis on that last word, for reasons unknown to James, Sirius, and Elizabeth.

"Y'know, our meeting, later tonight, in our own, private common room?" Lily lowered her voice seductively as she said this, and put her hand on James cheek, making sure he was looking right at her.

James visibly gulped as she traced his jawline.

"Yes, we have lots of things to..._discuss_, later tonight, in our common room, just the two of us...so I don't really think you should accept any invitations yet."

This monologue of Lily's only took a few seconds, but Elizabeth got the message.

"Oh...I'm sorry," she said, "I didn't realize you two were together. I'll see you around, James." She turned to leave.

Elizabeth's voice pulled James back to reality.

"No, wait!" he called. "No, Lily isn't my girlfriend! We're just friends, I swear!"

"Really? That doesn't seem to be the case."

"Really! We're not together!"

"Yeah, right," Elizabeth muttered. Then, raising her voice, she continued, "Well, you still need to...er..._discuss_ the date, at your..._meeting_. See you, James."

She turned and left.

James sighed and turned to face Lily.

Lily was giving Elizabeth's back her almost-patented Lily Evans Death Glare.

"Good riddance," she said, then turned to James. "She was not at ALL right for you, darling."

"W-w-wha-what?" he spluttered. "You were just saying she was nice, and telling me to be happy with her!"

"No, I wasn't." Lily steadily avoided looking at him.

"Yes, you were! Admit it, Lily, you were jealous."

"Jealous?" Lily said innocently, curiously. Then she gave a mirthless, insane laugh. "Me, jealous? Of her? Ha! No way! Why would I be jealous? It's not like I'm your-your-your _girlfriend_, or anything! I'm not jealous! After all, we _are_ best friends. Friends forever."

And with that, she left as well.

James slowly turned to Sirius.

"What the _hell_ was that?" he asked.

Sirius was grinning triumphantly.

"_That_, my dear Prongsikins, was our friend Ms. Evans passing my tests. Or, failing them, I guess. I don't really know."

"How did you know she'd be like that?"

"The author of this story decided to make me incredibly intelligent about this area of life, in order for there to be a plot in his story."

"_What?_"

"I mean, she's easy to read."

"Oh. Okay."

"Yeah, well, I'm sorry, Prongs."

"I'm alright, Padfoot."

"D'you believe me now? Don't you see that you need to move on? She bloody admits she fancies you, then tells you to find another girl. When that girl pops up, she acts all flirty with you to get her to leave, then denies being jealous. That girl is clearly insane."

"Pads, I agree with you about moving on, but, obviously, that's going to be kinda hard to do."

"I know, buddy, after loving a girl for six years it's hard to let go-"

"No, I mean, did you see what she just did? It's like I'll have to sneak around behind her back to even have a shot at moving on."

"That's a good point."

"What should I do?"

"Beats me, Prongs."

"That's all you have to say? C'mon, Sirius, give me some advice!"

"Snog Lily senseless and convince her to have your children. Then fly to Vegas, get drunk, marry her, fly back, tell her you're going to get your marriage annulled, but don't, then, after she has your baby, tell her you're still married, and say that you should stay married for the sake of your love for her and the feelings she has for you. Oh, yeah, and for the sake of the baby, that's important-"

"Never mind, Pads, the whole 'beats me' thing was better."

James sighed resignedly and dropped his head into his hands.

Sirius watched his brother. He made a decision.

"I'll talk to her, Prongs."

James looked up.

"Really?"

"Yeah." Sirius looked determined.

"Thank you so much, mate."

"No problem. I'll convince her."

"How do you know?"

"Prongs, I know you, and I know Lily. I'll convince her. See, I'm determined, and _that_ is how I will triumph."

James laughed. "Pads, I appreciate this and all, but that was really cheesy."

Sirius glared at James momentarily. "I may be many things, but I am not cheesy. Lily's still confused, but since I'm determined, I will break down her defenses, and use her own goodness and love for you against her. I will convince her."

James looked at Sirius with slight shock and awe in his eyes.

"Be careful out there, Padfoot. Lily's dangerous when angry."

"Don't worry, James," he replied coolly, "I have a plan..."


	4. The Triumph

**The TOP ALE ATE SHOES OF WHIP In the Winter**

Okay, this is, in fact, the final part of this story. Sort of. There may be an epilogue.

Anyway, I'd love if you would review, since I currently only have like 4 reviews. So, yes, please do that.

**Disclaimer: Not mine. See what I just did there? I did what many authors like to do. They just write "I own nothing" or "Not mine" for their disclaimer. Other authors (and I rather admire them) spend time coming up with creative ways to say their disclaimers (I'm not talking about myself, if you're wondering). Still other authors, meanwhile, tend to write that no one ever reads disclaimers anyway, or they ask if anyone reads their disclaimer. However, I believe that people do still read this. If you read my disclaimer, leave me a review about it. I'll give you a nice gift. And love. Lots and lots of love. My eternal affection and gratitude. Yeah. Enjoy the story with characters and settings that I do not own.**

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Sirius was scared.

No matter what he had told James about having a plan, and despite his confident and fearless facade, Sirius was extremely frightened. He had angered Lily on many occasions in the past six and a half years, but he had never approached her on what the whole school knew was her most touchy subject: James Potter.

However, he had seen James approach her on said touchy subject, and he had witness many of those exchanges, and he had carried James to the hospital wing after almost every one of the aforementioned conversations with Lily.

Merlin, she was scary.

But he _had_ promised James.

Damn his best mate.

No, wait, he liked James. James was cool.

Damn Lily Evans.

Actually, he liked Lily, too.

Damn James' incredible love for Lily.

There we go. Had James not loved Lily, the last six and a half years would have been so much easier.

However, back to the situation at hand, he had to convince Lily to give James a chance.

_'Maybe I should make a plan, like I told James,'_ he thought._ 'Nah, I'll just wing it.'_

But then he remembered what happened when he _didn't_ approach Lily with a plan.

(Which, of course, was almost always)

_'Alright,' _he thought. _'What I said to James kinda made sense...since Lily is confused and I am determined, all I have to do is-"_

"Hi, Sirius!"

_'Damn, it's Lily!'_

"Err...Sirius, what are you doing?"

_'Lie, Pads, lie, damnit! LIE! LIE!'_

"I'M NOT SNEAKING OUT AFTER CURFEW!"

_'Lie better, dumbass.'_

"You've got this look like...you're concentrating really hard on something..." Suddenly, Lily looked worried. "Sirius, are you okay?"

"I'M NOT MAKING UP A PLAN TO TRY TO-" _'Lie, Sirius, you idiot, lie. LIE. LIE!'_ "-CONVINCE YOU TO-LIE! LIE! LIE, SIRIUS, LIE!"

"SIRIUS!" yelled Lily. When that didn't work, she slapped him.

"Thanks, Lils."

"Anytime..." Lily still looked worried and puzzled.

"So...Lily..." Sirius began.

"Oh, boy..."

"What's his name?"

"Sirius-"

"You like ME? Oh, no! But-"

"Sirius, that's not what I meant-"

"-what about Prongs? Oh, poor James-"

"I _don't_ fancy you!"

"-he'll be heartbroken-wait, did you say you don't fancy me?"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

"Well, then, what _is_ his name? If it's not me and it's not James, then who is it? It had better not be a Slytherin! Damn, when James hears you don't like him, he'll be so sad! Who is it, anyw-"

"SIRIUS YOU BLOODY KNOW GOOD AND BLOODY WELL THAT I BLOODY FANCY JAMES BLOODY POTTER YOU BLOODY ASS!"

"...That was kind of loud."

"Yeah. Good thing we're in a deserted corridor."

"Wouldn't matter if we were in a crowded Gryffindor Common Room or the Great Hall at the Welcoming Feast."

"And why is that?"

"Well, because everyone will know soon anyway."

"WHAT? YOU BETTER NOT TELL ANYONE!"

"It's not me you should be worrying about."

"But there's no one here who could have heard me! Who would-JAMES! When I get through with him-"

"Lils, James isn't going to tell anyone. He doesn't have to. Everyone at this school has working eyes."

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, for starters, you're kinda bad at hiding it. Pretty much only James wasn't able to guess."

"WHAT!"

"Yeah. Oh, and, also, there's your date with James this weekend."

"Oh, yeah, where are we going, by the way? I mean, I'M NOT GOING OUT WITH JAMES THIS WEEKEND!"

"Right, sorry. I forgot, you still have to _discuss_ that date with James at your _meeting_ tonight."

"Yeah, it might be next weekend, but-WAIT, NO, I'M NOT GOING OUT WITH JAMES! Don't piss me off, Sirius!"

'_Right, bad idea if you want to convince her to go out with James,'_ thought Sirius. "Sorry, darling."

"You better be..." muttered Lily.

"Right, well, anyway, I think I should tell you the truth."

"Finally."

"I'm here to convince you to give James a chance."

"No."

"Why not?"

"What if he doesn't fancy me enough? What if he leaves me?"

"Do you really think he would do that?"

"I have no idea what James is capable of."

"So...you don't want him to hurt you, is that it?"

"Yes."

"Why not?"

"W-w-why not? Are you kidding me? Do YOU like being hurt?"

"No."

"Well, then of course I don't want to get hurt! He has no right-"

"Doesn't he?"

The question was so quiet that Lily was almost sure he hadn't asked.

"Wh-what do you mean? Why would he?"

"Oh, I don't know. Have you ever thought about how James felt whenever you rejected him?"

Lily looked at her feet. "Many times."

"It was so horrible, to see him hurt like that. It was especially bad when he thought you'd say yes. He'd come up with some insane idea that made him think you'd say yes and get all worked up and excited and there'd be this twinkle in his eye..." Sirius sighed, turning to the floor as well. "He was always so happy...and we all knew you'd say no, no matter hard he tried...Remus and I, and Pete, too, we tried to convince him. To talk him out of whatever crazy plan he'd concocted. We told him to get over you, but he was so happy, nothing could make him believe us...he just...and then...and then, we'd have to help him, naturally, I mean, what are best mates for, right? And...and we'd have to watch...have to watch him strike out...we'd have to see him try so hard and...fall...so hard. You might not have noticed, Lily...but, every time you said no...he was so hurt...at your hands. And, now," Sirius slowly looked up into Lily's eyes. "you...you have the nerve to say that he can't hurt you?"

"I'm so sorry, Sirius...I...I never knew..."

"Don't apologize to me, Lily, you know what you need to do. He should be in the Heads' Common Room."

"Sirius, I'm sorry, but...this doesn't change things. I still can't go out with James-"

"Of course you can. It's really a matter of will."

"Well, then, I won't go out with James."

"Why not, Lily? C'mon, you know you want to!"

"As true as that may be, that's not going to work."

"Oh, come on, Lils! Be the bigger man-er...person!"

"How does going out with James make me the bigger person?"

"Well, you're-erm-doing a good deed! Yeah, that's it!"

"And what exactly is that good deed?'

"Humor a child, Lily. Humor us. Go out with James. Just...just give him a chance. Do it for all of us, Lily. James has tried so hard for six years, and Remus and Peter and I...well, we've had to watch him get hurt for six years. Don't do this to us, Lils. Just, please, give him a chance."

Lily considered for a good amount of time, and Sirius waited. Very patiently. And silently.

Finally, Lily made her decision.

"Okay, Sirius. I'll do it. I'll give James a chance."

Inside his head, Sirius began yelling and cheering and celebrating and doing his happy dance, while remaining cool, collected, and nonchalant on the outside.

"Err-Sirius?"

Well, maybe he hadn't been cool and collected on the outside.

"Sorry, Lils, for that disturbing sight. So...I convinced you, then?"

"Yes. What you said really hit home. Also, I really, _really _wanted to." She blushed.

"Yeah, but, if James asks (or Remus or Peter asks, for that matter), then we say that I convinced you."

Lily laughed. "All right. But let me get this straight: my only obligation is to go on one date with James?"

"Well, knowing Prongs, he'll screw up his first date with you...and probably his second, as well. So, I guess you'll have to go on three dates with him."

"Sadly, I wouldn't really have it any other way."

"Okay, then, it's settled, three dates with James. He'll be in the Heads' Common Room, waiting for you."

"Waiting for me? Why?"

"Well, you know, you've still got to have that _meeting_ with him to _discuss_ the Hogsmeade weekend...you know, in your common room, later tonight, just the two of you-"

"Oh, Merlin! I totally forgot about that! Gotta go, Sirius, thanks for your advice, bye!" Lily gave him a quick hug and ran away.

Sirius smiled after her. _'Oh, yeah,'_ he thought, _'I'm good. James is SO going to buy me that motorbike.'_

Lily reached the Heads' Common Room in a quarter of an hour, out of breath and clutching a stitch in her side.

Ignoring his questions about her health, tardiness, and mental faculties, Lily just sat down on the couch, gesturing to him to sit down beside her while desperately trying to catch her breath.

"Hogsmeade," she wheezed, "should definitely be this weekend."

"Okay..." said James, looking at her worriedly. "Y'know, Lils, I think maybe you should stop to catch your breath first-"

Lily waved frantically at him, trying to tell him to stop speaking.

"Hogsmeade," she repeated. "This weekend. And you. Are going. With me."

James was quite pleasantly surprised. That is to say, he was quite surprised, and the surprise was quite pleasant.

However, he was able to contain his surprise and joy much better than Sirius.

"Err-James?"

Or maybe not.

But it didn't really matter if Lily saw him doing his happy dance, because now, he had _finally_ gotten the girl.

"Well...erm...that's great, Lils, I'd love to go with you. Now that that matter's settled, we should move on. There are other things we need to discuss at this Heads' meeting-"

"James?" Lily cut in, timidly. "I hope you don't mind my interrupting, but, this whole discussion and meeting and Head duties thing...is that what you really want to be doing right now?"

James grinned devilishly.

"Not at all."

And with that, he kissed her.

* * *

And, technically, this is

**THE END**


	5. Epilogue: The Third Test

**The TOP ALE ATE SHOES OF WHIP In the Winter**

**WARNING: Rated somewhere between T and M for the obvious suggestion of sexual intercourse.**

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It had been three months.

James and Lily were together, and happier than they had ever been before.

James was ecstatic that he and Lily were finally dating, and Lily realized that she had fallen in love with James.

This news only served to make James more ecstatic.

Lily was now no longer plotting ways to make Elizabeth die a horrible death, but, rather, reverted to her previous opinion of Elizabeth being a nice girl.

However, Lily _was_ planning something else: a wedding.

James had not yet proposed, but, naturally, they had discussed it.

And, besides, as James put it, "Since we both love each other, what else is there to do?"

And Lily wouldn't have it any other way.

So, James and Lily were happy, Elizabeth didn't have to go to the hospital wing anymore, and Sirius...

Well, Sirius was getting a new motorcycle.

Speaking of Sirius Black, there is a rather interesting tale that takes place three months after he convinced Lily to give James a chance.

At the beginning of the aforementioned tale, we find Mr. Black easily loping down one of the corridors of Hogwarts.

Alone.

After curfew.

He had been going to visit James and Lily in their common room, and, more importantly, he needed to borrow one of James' quills, which was currently in James' possession.

Upon reaching the entrance to the Heads' Common Room, he recited the password (which only the Heads were supposed to know, and consequently, only Lily and the Marauders knew).

While striding into the common room, he called out, "Prongs? Oi, Prongs!"

Pausing for a moment to listen for an answer, a pair of shoes caught his attention.

Laughing a little and rolling his eyes, he stooped to pick up the shoes, while thinking, _'Silly Prongs. Leaving his shoes just lying around. Tsk, tsk, Lily wouldn't like that. I'll bring them to his dorm, so that I'll have some leverage when asking for a quill.'_

Then, a couple of things happened at around the same time.

As Sirius picked up James' shoes, he spotted a pair of shoes nearby that he recognized as Lily's.

Simultaneously, he heard Lily's voice from the direction of the couch, talking about patrolling schedules.

As he looked towards the couch, he was surprised to see no heads (get it? It's a pun!) there, but he heard James make a reply.

_'How strange,'_ he thought. _'Perhaps they're using the Cloak. But why on earth would they do that?'_

After pondering this thought for a few seconds, Sirius shrugged, figuring that James and Lily were incredibly strange teenagers, so it was actually a logical conclusion that they'd discuss Head duties under the Invisibility Cloak.

Having come to said logical conclusion, Sirius straightened up and began to whistle as he casually and merrily made his way past the couch into James' room.

Without bothering to knock (James and Lily were on the couch, invisible, anyway), Sirius went inside James' room and went through his belongings, listing them to himself while throwing them casually about the room.

"Socks, broomstick, shirt, another shirt, Lily's bra, more socks, Quidditch pants, ink, Invisibility Cloak, pajamas, gloves-wait a minute!" Sirius whipped his head around the room looking for the item he'd thrown out. He quickly found it.

"What the hell is Lily's bra doing here? Oh, wait, she probably left it in here after...way to go, Prongs." Sirius grinned, then went back to what he was doing.

"Let's see, textbooks, shirt, scarf, ah! Here it is! Quill! Perfect!" And with that, he walked away.

But when he was halfway through the door, a realization hit him and he spun around, doing a double take.

"Wait. Invisibility Cloak? But James and Lily have the Cloak... Unless...unless...unless they _don't_ have the Cloak!"

At that moment, Sirius heard some...noises, coming from the couch.

Horrified, he slowly turned around and went back into the common room to investigate.

"I think the next Hogsmeade weekend should be this weekend," Lily was saying.

"What does it matter? We can go to Hogsmeade whenever," replied James.

Finally, Sirius had full view of the two Heads. His eyes widened. He tried to speak, but he couldn't. So he jumped up and down and pointed instead.

After a few seconds of doing this, he recovered and got his voice back.

"JAMES AND LILY! LILY AND JAMES! OH MY MERLIN!"

Thoroughly startled, the people whose names Sirius had been calling sprang to their feet and dove behind the couch.

"SIRIUS! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?" James roared.

When that didn't work, Lily leaned over the couch and slapped him, then quickly retreated behind James.

The slap effectively stopped Sirius' screaming.

"Again, Sirius," James had calmed down considerably, but his tone was still quiet and implied painful death at the wrong answer. "What are you doing here?"

It took all his self control to not say "Not what you're doing, obviously."

Instead, he looked at the floor, and sheepishly replied:

"Well...I needed to borrow a quill."

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Well, that's all, folks.

Sorry if that disturbed you at all.

Thank you for your reviews, **Purple Painted Toenails,** **gottaloveJamesPotter, BlueSkies13, LOLhaily,** and **VoldemortIsGoingDown**.

Also, this epilogue is dedicated to **VoldemortIsGoingDown**, for actually reading the disclaimer.

Speaking of which, **Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

I hope you enjoyed this, and please review.


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